#TransformationTuesday

2008 vs 2014

The difference in these pictures isn't about the pounds lost, but about the life gained!! The confidence, self-love & strength to leap outside my comfort zone can't be measured by the number on the scale!

A Year Ago I Thought I'd Be A Spin Instructor By Now

A year ago today, I received my Spin Instructor certification and was on cloud 9.

It was one of the scariest "out of my comfort zone" challenges I had taken on at the time. It was amazing to be in a room with folks of all ages, sizes and backgrounds - there for the same reason. Plus, I can vividly picture how scared I was driving up to Manchester, NH for the orientation and knowing I overcame it is something I can't put a price tag on.

I physically took the day-long orientation on March 9th and the online test on March 10th.

If you want to know more about the day-long orientation, feel free to check my post out here.

I was anxious to get in front of a class and share what I learned. I reached out to Spin Instructor friends in the area to find out how they got their gigs. They clued me in on the audition process at most gyms/studios, knowing studio owners, being in the right place at the right time, etc.

I took my time reaching out to local gyms asking about availability and it kept being "No. No. No". I took it tough.

But at the same time, I was training for my 3rd marathon - the Boston Marathon - and took a step back from looking to focus on training.

I tried to network, but it wasn't going anywhere.

Now I sit here a year to the day ... and I am no closer to being a Spin Instructor.

Am I a failure for not becoming a part-time Instructor? Not at all.

Do I feel like I wasted the $333 it cost to attend the Spinning certification? Absolutely.

Would I have passed up the experience to become an Instructor? Definitely not.

I think that day has made me a stronger rider and more helpful to my Spinning friends and classmates.

I may not be in front of the room, but I still try to motivate my friends and classmates as best I can.

So am I truly okay with not closing the door on the dream?

Sort of.

I regret not doing more. I should've walked into studios, talked to owners, petitioned Craigslist to find classes to substitute Instruct in and just been more proactive.

But, maybe that was my subconscious taking the reigns of the situation.

I realized over the last year that I wanted to stay in the saddle as a student.

I cannot live in a world of shoulda, coulda, wouldas! I need to learn from the experience and move on.

So what is the next dream I will chase? I'm not sure ... but at least I keep trying!

Dani Dishes 12-2-13

On this episode of Dani Dishes, I'm talking about what is really going on in my brain and how I want to enter 2014 - why has my confidence taken a hit lately? injury? sick? Seasons changing?  

Am I Enough?

Well that answer was too easy. :P

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I took and posted this picture the other day because I needed a reminder.

I am in fact enough.

I have talked before about the pattern of Keepin' Up With The Joneses. That DAMN comparison game that I don't think I'm the only person to fall into the trap.

What fascinates me is the spells in which I go through when it comes to wondering "Am I Enough?" There can be a good two-week stretch when I feel amazing. I am confident, secure and on top of the world.

Then there's the flip side. When I feel like I'm insignificant, that everything I do is wrong and that I should just go back to bed and hide in there with as much food as I could fit with me.

Wow! That is quite a difference.

But does anyone know what I'm talking about?

While in NYC, I was trying to think what caused this flip and I came up with one thing.

Rejection.

It could be from work ... friends ... family ... a blog opportunity ... other runners ... other weight loss success stories ... or even a stranger.

Once someone else questions my ability to be in a certain space with them, my insecurities take over my ENTIRE mind and body and I feel about 1 inch big.

At the Runner's World Shakeout run everyone in attendance that was at the run was either a Runner's World writer/editor/employee or a qualified runner - except me. Nothing like seeing the face of someone who is totally judging you.

Person: "Where did you qualify?" Me: "Oh I didn't. I have the pleasure and honor to run as a charity runner with Tedy's Team in honor of my Stroke Survivors - my grandparents." Person: <<confused face>> "Oh, well that's okay."

Hell yeah it's okay. It is a freakin' honor in my mind. I could feel it getting to me, but pushed those feelings away.

But when you get asked the same question over and over again you can't help, but let some little slip of doubt, of "should I even be here?" when you see the same reaction from people over and over again.

(Note: it wasn't everyone at the event. I really did meet some amazingly supportive folks that morning)

But that is just one instance where I saw rejection or people doubting my right to be at the event lead to the "Am I Enough?" inner debate.

I feel it sneak in whenever you apply for a job that went to someone else and you thought you were the PERFECT fit for it.

Or a friend you've known for a long time decides (without telling you) that the friendship is over. Ouch! I immediately go into "what did I do?", "what is wrong with me?" or "what could i have done?"

I see the pattern over and over and want it to end.

The trick for me to do that will be to obviously stop taking rejection so personally. Well that is kind of a "duh" moment.

What I think truly has to change is reminding myself that everything happens for a reason and knowing something better will happen.

I have to be me.

If someone doesn't want to be a part of my life then that is on them - not me.

If a company doesn't think I'm meeting their criteria for a job then something better is just waiting in the wings.

If a fellow weight loss success story looks down on me because I "only" lost 80 pounds then shame on them.

I have to be proud of the person I have become and accept what is outside of my control.

Because I am enough... and you are too!

Mirror ... Mirror ...

For so many years I hid from the mirrors on the walls ... For so many years I hid from the photographs of everything ...

But that all changed - thanks to Weight Watchers!

I even mentioned this in my "Only Human" video for the latest Weight Watchers campaign, which you can check out here:

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When did it really dawn on me that things changed?

Why on Tuesday!

How?

Easy.

This past weekend the race director (Eddie) for the Cambridge 5k race series asked me to be one of the featured runners for the upcoming inaugural Freedom Run on May 26.

Ahhh someone wanted ME to be in a picture for their race!

Crazy.

Here are a couple of shots from the shoot:

I met Eddie at City Sports in Downtown Crossing and felt confident enough with myself to actually go through with it. Of course in my head, I had come up with reasons NOT to do it, but I wanted to prove to myself that I am changing for the better.

Being able to finally step in front of the camera or stopping to look at myself in the mirror is a huge leap forward for me.

I may not like everything that is looking back at me, but at least now I like myself enough to give myself the time of day.

For too long I hid from seeing what I had let myself become.

Now I am learning to embrace my body faults and all.

Vain.

Yes people call me vain for posting pictures of myself on my website/Twitter/Facebook page.

Full of myself.

Yes people tell me that I have changed and become someone who is full of themselves.

Boastful.

Yes people say they stop following me because I post too many pictures of how I look.

TO those people I say "your loss" - my blog/Facebook page/Twitter account etc are places where I share the highs and lows of weight loss and fitness journey.

IF you think I am vain or boastful, then you really don't read what I write or know me at all.

I am FAR from those things.

I am a girl working to accept my body faults and all.

I am PROUD that I can now take the step from behind the camera to the front of it.

I am HAPPY that by taking the time to look in the mirror I am now acknowledging that I am worthy enough to look at ...

Thunder Thighs No More...

On November 16 I went to Lululemon to purchase a pair of Wunder Under pants I had promised myself after completing the marathon. Well I tried them on and all I could look at were my thighs and I said out loud to myself: "Hello! Thunder Thighs." I'm sure the people in the other dressing rooms were thoroughly confused by this little outburst.

After posting the picture on Social Media...

... friends far and wide commented and said they had no idea what I was seeing.

How could they not?? I mean look at those thighs jumping out of the pants! I had gone out of my comfort zone and tried on a blue/grey pattern instead of going with the normal slimming black option.

But as the responses came in one after another, friends continuously used the words - lean, strong, muscular and fit - to describe the thighs above.

Interesting.

While sitting in my car in the mall parking lot reading the comments (see don't Tweet, Facebook or Instagram while driving!), I asked myself: "What legs were they looking at?" I really just didn't see it!

So I put the phone away, headed to my first Pure Barre class and let the comments/compliments from Twitter and Instagram resonate. But in my subconscious I was coming to grips with the fact that those Wunder Under Pants I pined for just weren't for me.

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Over the next 10 days or so, things changed.

Ever so slightly.

With each activity I did, another one of those pesky compliments from my friends/followers jumped back out.

* I took the stairs to one of my Weight Watchers meetings a little bit faster than usual. My mind thought: "Wow, this seems easier than the last time I made this trek. Those Pure Barre classes are really paying off.

Muscles.

* I set a PR in The 18th Annual Framingham Turkey Trot Classic 5k on a course I found rather challenging. Okay, I wasn't ready for any hills and there were some. :P I thought to myself: "Something is changing in my body. Those Spin classes are really working to strengthen my legs. Go cross training."

Thighs.

* With each Pure Barre class, the exercises were getting slightly more doable. But since the exercises were being done in front of a mirror, I could actually catch a glimpse of their transformation. The "burning" in my legs was paying off. The Brain said to me: "Look at those strong legs in the mirror. THOSE belong to you."

Fit.

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My girl Nazalee on Twitter immediately pulled out the big guns. A campaign that Nike featured about how the phrase Thunder Thighs is actually a compliment.

(Feel free to click on the image above for a better look or check out the ad here)

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So over those two weeks, the little tweets/instagram messages from November 16 were breaking out of my subconscious and starting to break down through the self-negativity!

But the tweet I got that finally made the mental change was short and simple: "I see a pair of strong legs that just dominated a marathon."

Truth ... but I had to change my mindset to see that!

On November 28 I went back to the store and purchased those pants and now wear them proudly!!

Even in public! :)

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So moral of this little story?

Simple.

We need to be as positive with ourselves as we are with others!!

And of course wipe the phrase "Thunder Thighs" from the vocabulary! ;)