Therapy: It Shouldn't Be Taboo
/While on a call Friday with a colleague, I shared with them how I had been struggling with burnout for awhile and started going to therapy. At this point I had been so open about my struggle that it didn’t seem like much of a share.
But he took the time to say “Thank you Dani. That was something very personal and I thank you for sharing with me.”
It is true that mental health, like most battles, is something that we own and we should dictate when and how people know about it. But it is not something we should feel that we need to hide due to potential ridicule from friends, family or the world at large.
It has taken me quite awhile to get to that feeling though…
For so long growing up, I never wanted to appear weak or unhappy. I pushed those depressive and anxiety thoughts down - mainly with food. I would plaster on that smile no matter what so no one would be concerned with how I was feeling.
I tried therapy in the early 2000s, but I did not connect with the therapist at all and their initial feeling was to go straight to medication which I really didn’t think I needed.
It immediately made me stop.
Through those years, I have had a number of friends who either are therapists or go to therapy and I would say I know I need to do it, but I am scared. What if I went and they told me nothing was wrong with me and it was all made up in my head? That is truly what I feared! Anyone feel that?
I tried again when we first moved to Amsterdam in 2018 as I felt so lost. I was living for work and having a hard time finding friends. I found an expat specific therapist, but realised over a quick timeframe that she wasn’t for me. I was paying 100 euro a session and having more anxiety getting to the appointments in relation to relief being felt. So I again just gave up and stopped going.
I’ve been feeling burned out since the first week we arrived in the Netherlands but I grinded it out. Why? I didn’t want to be sent back the US and I put a shit ton of fuckin’ pressure on myself to excel.
There would be ebbs and flows in the workload and the 70-80 hour work weeks from year 1 would reduce down to 50-60. I mean as an “American” that should be normal right? At least that is alot of what I heard as well.
Finally last year the pressure hit the peak and I attempted to go on long-term burnout or sick leave. I kept a lot of this to myself or to my small inner circle - you know who you are and I wouldn’t be sitting here today without your love and support.
It got to the point where I had to tell my manager, which went to her manager which went to the Senior Vice President. I saw the email where it was written “Dani needs help as she is on the cusp of burnout.”
Narrator: She was already burnt out
Initially seeing that in writing to such “big wigs” in the company made me feel so weak, nervous that they would decide I couldn’t handle the job and - being on a visa - send me packing.
Are you seeing that anxiety brain at work there?
That was the point where I finally knew I wasn’t ashamed of where I was. I wanted to instead be open about it and make the area around me a safe space. So if you were feeling in a tough place, you could come to me and I would be a judgement free zone.
Now I am in a space where I openly tell colleagues that I can’t make a meeting because that is when I will be at therapy.
It is making me a better person being open about the struggles.
Am I seen as weaker? I am not sure but I feel stronger and THAT is what I care more about.
Not everyone is in a space where they can be so open and I understand. I want to let you know that I am here as a safe space if you need someone to talk to.
I just hope with more people feeling comfortable to share that:
It makes it less “taboo” of a subject
That therapy becomes more accessible to all (it took me 10 months to finally get a spot with a therapist that took my insurance)
I’d love to hear you thoughts as well? Especially if you are a therapist!
